Our Top Manufactured Legal News Stories So Far

Born out of a partnership between Big Legal Brain’s C. Hank Peters and other underemployed lawyers, Turnip News is now a year old. We’re proud of our record of delivering the best manufactured legal news on the planet. We’re so proud that we’ve added this superfluous post to highlight some of the best legal news stories we’ve covered so far. As you can see, we good.
Continue reading Our Top Manufactured Legal News Stories So Far

Thing One Sues Thing Two Over Trademark Infringement

In a stunning development, Dr. Suess’s Thing One has filed a trademark infringement case against his former protege and partner Thing Two, citing longstanding differences between the two and a lapsed “partnership agreement” that had earlier set out the legal rights between the two children’s book stars.
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1Ls Agree: Prof's Property Exam "Fell Flat, Lacked Narrative Heft"

A 1L at Suffolk University School of Law said the plot line in a recent final exam “kinda fell flat and lacked narrative heft, especially after such a strong opening.” Other students who took the exam in Professor T. Arthur Wilson’s Introductory Property Law class had similar reactions, leading to disappointment from law school administrators who had invested heavily in the exam, expecting a fall blockbuster for the school.
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Effin Lawyers Get Involved in Facebook's Effin Glitch

A prominent Effin law firm that includes two respected Effin lawyers has indicated it will represent Effin in the Irish town’s difficulty in registering for a community page on Facebook, sources close to the Effin-Facebook dispute have reported.

According to a spokesperson, Facebook has blocked Effin residents from registering the town on the social media site, apparently citing community standards.

“Great, it’s about time we called in one of our Effin lawyers to fix Facebook’s Effin problem,” said Seamus Kennelly, one of five Effin town constables. “I’m a proud member of this Effin community and Facebook needs to recognize our Effin heritage and pride. It’s Effin time, if you ask me.”

Local Lawyer Reinvents Himself as Middle-Aged Bearded Man

A Cleveland-area ERISA lawyer has successfully reinvented himself as as middle-aged bearded man, according to legal marketing insiders familiar with the matter. With the help of national legal marketers and brand evangelists, he has also refocused his practice around a new persona of being middle-aged and bearded.

“Frankly, I feel refreshed,” said Henry R. Jacobs, a 1992 graduate of the University of Pittsburgh School of Law. Jacobs said that, while he tried numerous other avenues to reinvent himself, none seemed to fit the bill. “I tried the whole Dropbox and iPad schtick and that didn’t work for me. Then I tried the whole virtual farming thing on Facebook and that was not so profitable. This bearded middle-aged thing really resonates, though, and I’m embracing it.”

Jacobs, however, joins a growing trend of male lawyers who are similarly undergoing extensive rebranding and reinventing themselves as middle-aged bearded men. Competition around the brand is considered fierce.

Photo not of actual middle-aged bearded man but used by Creative Commons license. Source: Flickr

Last Known Functional Family Located in Bethesda

Attorneys associated with the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers announced this morning that one of its members has located the last known functional family in the United States. The family, with a mother, father, three children, and a mother-in-law living under one roof in Bethesda, Maryland, apparently is functioning “at a very high level, commensurate with what we would call ‘full functionality,’ or the ‘absense of dysfunction,'” Academy lawyers announced.

“It was strange,” said family law attorney Joan R. Peterson, who first interviewed the family’s mother and father. “They came in thinking something was wrong with their marriage, or with how they raised their kids—they just said that they felt odd. After interviewing them for nearly two hours I said to myself ‘My, God, this family is entirely functional. They have absolutely no dysfunction.’ I actually started shaking, not knowing what to do.”

Peterson said that, with the clients’ consent, she reported her findings to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, who sent out one of its advanced research teams, which confirm the finding.

“It is a phenomenal discovery,” said Arthur T. Melling, Jr., president of the AAML. “With hundreds of millions of Americans families self-identifying as dysfunctional, it’s a breath of fresh air to find the one remaining family that actually functions, and functions well. At least for now.”

Lawyers Named Brian Now Outnumber Those Named Bob

A lawyer’s demography group has released startling news that lawyers named Brian in the U.S. now outnumber those who are named Bob. The news has prompted changes in some law firm practices where a common refrain “what’s Bob think?” is being replaced with “how does Brian feel about this?” or the more colloquial “what’s up, Brian?”
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New 'DeVry Comma' Can be Used Anytime, Anywhere

Scholars at a for-profit educational institution in Florida have rolled out the new ‘DeVry Comma,’ which they say can be used “anytime and anywhere” in written manuscripts and even in legal pleadings and contracts.

“It’s a lot more convenient, easier to use,” said Charles K. Schmidt, a part-time art teacher at DeVry’s Miramar Campus in Miramar, Florida. “Unlike the Oxford Comma, you really cannot make a mistake in using the DeVry. It essentially eliminates any need for clarity.”

Legal scholars were quick to condemn the new comma, saying it would cause “needless confusion, obfuscation and iffiness on the part of attorneys, their heirs, assigns, and clients,” said Angela Kramer, a known legal scholar. “The standard is the Oxford Comma and that will continue to be the standard.”

Other attorneys were less quick to condemn the new comma, saying its increased use could be good for new business.

Jury's Verdict to Lawyers: "We Don't Give a F*ck Whether the iPad or Android Tablet is Better"

In a contentious trial between lawyers who had been arguing whether the iPad or Android Tablet was better for trial and a law practice, jurors returned a verdict within ten minutes stating “We don’t give a f*ck whether the iPad or Android Tablet is better.” Jurors also awarded the judge in the case $50,000 in compensatory damages for having to listen to six weeks worth of testimony highlighting Apps, multi-touch maneuvers, and video capabilities.

“We felt we needed to send a message to the attorneys, all attorneys, actually,” said Frank Cassell, the jury foreman. “How this got to this point we don’t know, but it has to end. We really don’t give a f*ck, literally. That’s what we found.”

Lawyers for both sides were stunned by the verdict but immediately began arguing anew about the various benefits and highlights of each device. Within five minutes of the verdict, each lawyer had published four blog posts and sent out fifteen tweets about the subject. They also vowed an appeal.

Woman Sues White Castle, Claiming "I Can't Reach My Sliders"

A woman in New York has sued the hamburger franchise White Castle for disability discrimination, claiming that recent changes to the seating design in one of the chain’s restaurants left her “unable to reach my sliders.”

The suit comes less than one week after a New York stockbroker also sued the chain, claiming that he could no longer fit in the booths at one restaurant because he had been eating White Castle cheeseburgers since 1959. In the lastest case, Amanda P. Hutchins, a secretary for a Poughkeepsie-based insurance company, claims that White Castle has moved its booth seating “too far back from the tables to accommodate fat people, resulting in regular-armed and thin people like me from being unable to reach ┬ámy sliders.” Hutchins is seeking an injunction against the chain to prevent further movement of any restaurant seating arrangements.

“Honestly, I’ve been coming to White Castle for ten years and I have always been able to reach the table to dip my cheese fries in ketchup,” said Hutchins. “But now, I come close to falling over and could easily bump my head on the table in front of me. It’s terrifying, it’s like I’m hanging over the Grand Canyon, except the Grand Canyon is in Montana!” Hutchins said that she now feels “like an outcast, like they are saying ‘grow some arms, lady.’ But I have normal arms. I knit and attend Knicks and Nets games!”

White Castle could not be reached for comment.