Just one week after launching its phenomenally popular faux legal news site, Turnip News is now facing a multi-trillion dollar lawsuit by The Onion, a small independent print publication based in Toledo, Ohio. The suit, filed Tuesday in federal court in Manhattan, claims the term turnip infringes on the Onion, not only in print but “also on dinner plates across America.” According to the complaint, The Onion claims that the “use of ‘turnip’, or any derivative thereof, confuses readers and further leads to brand and horrible taste dilution.”
The Onion is a staple of American news and food, dating back to its first cultivation in Eqypt as a weekly, delivered along with leeks and garlic. It is in the genus Allium cepa and makes people cry. The turnip, on the other hand, has six followers on Twitter and one RSS subscriber. As such, it is closely related to the rutabaga and frequently makes people bored.
C. Hank Peters, the publisher of Turnip News, was giddy about the lawsuit. “We knew this was coming,” he said, “and it fits right into our plan of ‘market penetration by brand infringement.'” When asked if he is goading The Onion to react, Peters demurred, saying “that’s not my style, nor is that in my repetoire. You’ll have to ask our lawyers, they know much more about goading.”
The Turnip News’s lawyers would not comment specifically on the lawsuit, other than to say “when all is done, we will crush the Onion. It will be lucky to be known as the Shallot when we dice its ass back to Toledo. High fives! That said, we have yet to see the complaint and do not comment on pending litigation.”