Last Known Functional Family Located in Bethesda

Attorneys associated with the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers announced this morning that one of its members has located the last known functional family in the United States. The family, with a mother, father, three children, and a mother-in-law living under one roof in Bethesda, Maryland, apparently is functioning “at a very high level, commensurate with what we would call ‘full functionality,’ or the ‘absense of dysfunction,'” Academy lawyers announced.

“It was strange,” said family law attorney Joan R. Peterson, who first interviewed the family’s mother and father. “They came in thinking something was wrong with their marriage, or with how they raised their kids—they just said that they felt odd. After interviewing them for nearly two hours I said to myself ‘My, God, this family is entirely functional. They have absolutely no dysfunction.’ I actually started shaking, not knowing what to do.”

Peterson said that, with the clients’ consent, she reported her findings to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, who sent out one of its advanced research teams, which confirm the finding.

“It is a phenomenal discovery,” said Arthur T. Melling, Jr., president of the AAML. “With hundreds of millions of Americans families self-identifying as dysfunctional, it’s a breath of fresh air to find the one remaining family that actually functions, and functions well. At least for now.”