Embattled Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has begun flying in planeloads of mercenary lawyers from Indiana, Illinois and parts of Africa in an effort to cling to power and to provide him with advice on how to limit free speech, Turnip News has learned. Over the weekend, two chartered jets landed at the Madison airport with “at least 100 lawyers,” a witness at the airport said Monday.
It is thought that lawyers are behind Walker’s recent decision to weld state capitol windows shut, according to sources who declined to be named. Mercenary lawyers are also allegedly advising Walker to dig a moat around the capitol, institute a “hot oil and lead” strategy, and to bring in medieval war instruments, such as the trebuchet and battering ram. It is not clear, however, why Walker would consider a battering ram when he and his team of mercenary lawyers are already in the building.
In a speech to the Wisconsin residents, Walker decried the protesters as “thugs” and inexplicably referred to “American cheese factories,” as a unifying factor in Wisconsin history. It is believed, however, that Walker’s lawyers simply substituted “Wisconsin” for “Libya” and edited parts of a recent speech by embattled Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, as the text from Walker’s speech demonstrates:
It is no lie that the protesters are in control of the streets now. Wisconsin is not Minnesota or Tunisia. Wisconsin is different, if there was disturbance it will split into several states. It was part of Canada before 60 years. Wisconsin are cheese and beer, not like Illinois. There are no political parties, it is made of cheese. Everyone knows each other. Kraft and American cheese factories played a big part in unifying Wisconsin. Who will manage this cheese? How will we divide this cheese amongst us? Who will spend on our hospitals? All this cheese will be burnt by the thugs, they will burn it. Three quarters of our people live in the East in Milwaukee, there is no cheese there, who will spend on them? Your children will not go to schools or universities. There will be chaos, we will have to leave Wisconsin if we can’t share cheese. Everyone wants to become a Sheikh and a cheesemaker, but we are not Egypt or Tunisia or Canada so we are in front of a major challenge.